Straight Flush

The first time someone told me they wanted me to “flush” out an idea for an ad, I thought they were telling me to deposit said idea in the porcelain throne, shut the lid and tearfully wave buh-bye as it swirled toward the sanitary sewer.

It didn’t take me long to realize that they really wanted me to “flesh” out my idea, which may sound a little Dexter or Halloweenish, but at least it’s less scatological than flushing it out.  Note that I only used that $100 word here because no one will ever let me use it in an ad.

Over the years, I have amassed anecdotal evidence that indicates that between 49 and 58 percent of people in advertising use the word flush when they mean flesh, depending how much they’re into Mad Men and how many times they’ve watched The Crazy Ones.

Before I damage my current and future earning capability in the advertising industry by being an insufferable know-it-all, I will turn over the task of explaining the difference between flesh vs. flush to Merriam-Webster.

Colon-oscopy

Spoiler alert: this blog has nothing to do with your large intestine, so you can relax and stop clenching your gluteus maximus. Instead it is a brief examination of the most misunderstood and undervalued punctuation mark, the colon.

For decades, the colon was primarily used after the salutation in a business letter, for example, Dear Senator Sequestration: or Dear Representative Runamuck:

In the age of texts, many people have transformed the poor colon from respectable punctuation mark into a disturbing array of emoticons, such as :-(  or :-) or O:-) which stands for “angel: and :-# which stands for “braces.”

As a writer who uses real words, you can help return the colon to its former grandeur, just make sure you only use it after a complete sentence, never after a sentence fragment. Also keep this in mind: the information that comes after the colon should clarify or expand on the sentence that came before it. For example, Malia has two favorite ways to celebrate her birthday: hanging out in the waiting room of a geriatrician’s office in order to feel young, and throwing a party with a clown and a pony to feel even younger.

Some grammar experts suggest replacing the colon in your sentence with the word “namely” to mentally verify that you’ve used it correctly. Malia has two alternate ways to celebrate her birthday, namely, pretending she’s learning to ride a bike in order to feel young and sucking on a pacifier to feel even younger.

Now, raise your hand if you’d rather have the lining of your intestine examined with a long, flexible, tubular instrument instead of learning any more about proper use of colons.